I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize