i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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