Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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