Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Randomize
