I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
