i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
