I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
