youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
