Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
