you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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