I wish I only lived at night.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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