Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
