He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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