it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
