This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
