No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
