Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
