Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
