Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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