i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
