right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
