when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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