I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
