I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
