i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize