It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
