So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
