so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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