and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
