don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
