Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
