how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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