New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
