Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
