I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
