You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
