Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
In America we eat man semen.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
