remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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