I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
