Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
