I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
