I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
