you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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