Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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