Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
