I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize