i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dick very happy bro
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize