I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
