broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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