And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
