He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
