I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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