My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
