He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
