home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
