Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
