now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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